Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying: that's how i learned to hold back all feelings

the worst battle is between what you know & how you feel.

the best time to find yourself is when you're lost.

It's kind of fucked up isn't it?

How all of a sudden,

someone just wakes up & decides

never to talk to you again.

No reason. No explanation. No words said.

They just leave you hanging like you never

meant shit to them, & what hurts the most

is how they made it look so easy.

i NEVER want to look back in my life & wish i did things differently.

Before you give up on someone,

you've got to remember why

you're still holding on.

Men have called me a man-hater, a feminazi, frigid, a bitch...

but in my mind it always translates as

"You don't need me to validate your existence, & that scares me."

Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts.

But not knowing which decision to take

is the worst of suffering.

I Wonder. I always wonder if you ever sit there &

actually think about all the things you've put me through?

The way I do for you. I wonder if you ever have the same

"fuck i wish we'd just work this out" moments like I do.

I wonder if you ever stop dead in your tracks

because a memory of us replays in your mind unexpectedly,

yet so vividly like it was just yesterday. I wonder...

But I never wish you'd do all of this for one simple reason:

I'd never want you to hurt the way I did.

It feels like a kick in the heart when those thoughts

flood my mind & I'd never want that to happen

to you because you're the very reason why

I was so happy before it all.

I'd never want you to experience the moments I had

& sometimes still have because I never wanna see you sad.

I'd rather take the hit for you.

Unfair? I guess you can say that.

But in the end, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.

Regardless if it made me happy or not on the other hand.

Just seeing you happy always kept me content.

But I never stop wondering about what you wonder too.

We all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us too.

I feel like every chance to leave is another chance I should have took.

Guys have this radar where once you stop thinking about them,

they know & they try to talk to you once again.

It's like they know when you're trying to move on

& they won't let you. Don't you hate that?

You know what I'm afraid of?

Getting too comfortable with someone
Getting used to talking to someone everyday
Getting used to seeing someone ever so often
Allowing someone to know me personally
Put my time & effort into someone
Catch feelings for someone

Only to have them leave me, sooner or later...I'm afraid of investing myself to the wrong person.

They always say if you love something let it go & if it comes back it's yours. Does that ever really happen? No one ever really lets go because they know they won't come back. And if & when they do actually let go, they notice their nightmares are becoming realities. They see them slipping through their fingertips. All just because that one person who was supposively the ONE left.